Humbled beginnings
I remember holding the pregnancy test in my hand after telling my sister to call me back.
“I had a weird feeling about you, are you okay?”. She said on the other end of the line - a sisters intuition never lies.
“I’m peeing in a stick, I’ll call you back”.
I peed, I waited, I froze. My phone rang again.
“Anddddd”….
It was positive. I remember the rush of emotions making their way through every cell of my being. I was petrified, nervous, happy…
My daughter was a rainbow baby you see. She was the baby I was told by 4 specialist I’d never meet. She was the double line in that stick, the love I’d held onto for dear life.
I knew as soon as I looked down I’d fight. I just didn’t realise the extent of the fight. How bashed I’d get in the arena of life. I knew from the word go though that I was alone.
I continued university until I couldn’t attend lectures due to throwing my guts up and I worked until I was too pregnant to walk. I prayed to my growing belly to have a different start in life than mine was and I devoted myself to actions that would pave that.
That naivety was ripped out of my being when she was born.
One day I’ll share my birth story. The day I met god. My body knew what to do and I allowed my mind to let it and god move through me. In a candle lit room, in a body of warm water and meditation music she was born.
Along with my naivety went my freedom
I’d imagined prior to this what motherhood would be like, that slowly became soiled and a person I didn’t know emerged. I was angry, suicidal and dissociated. Supporting the family financially and physically whilst bearing the heavy weight of another’s drug dependency.
The foundations I tried to lay with savings and uni degrees were useless because pain doesn’t choose.
That was made concrete when I stood in line at the homeless shelter, fingers intertwined with my little one whom was none the wiser to the situation we’d landed in.
I looked around the shelter and thought to myself, “I don’t belong here, I’m better than this”.
Arrogant I know.
I took a depth breath though, and humbled myself to the realisation that actually I did. As did many women that were fleeing from abusive situations and with that I moved forward to collect my food stamps.
I’ve never felt so alone that in those moments, in those years.
Where were my friends?
Where were my family?
It took years, but eventually I realised I wasn’t alone - I was being separated. Again I had met god.
Now I want to make a point when I refer to god, I’m not referring to a person but rather a universal energy or life force. Us really at our highest form of love.
It separated me from the voices of others so I could hear the sweet sound of my own
Separated me from the relationships that were only there when something was in it for them
Separated me from my belief systems
And brought me closer to me.
To love
This perspective has saved me a lot of unnecessary suffering since.
And in turn forged courage, vulnerability and strength to try, to fail, to let go, to get up, to love, to hurt.
to be free
